Hello friend!
Welcome back – I hope you are rested and ready to go!
I have an absolute doozey of a newsletter for you today!
Like many of you, I finally had the chance to catch up on my favourite streaming shows and I happened to stumble across The Bear on Disney+.
I was blown away!
The Bear follows Carmen 'Carmy' Berzatto, a talented young chef who returns to Chicago to take over his late brother’s struggling sandwich shop, ‘The Original Beef of Chicagoland.’
At first glance, it’s a show about food and high-pressure kitchens—but once you scratch beneath the surface, it’s a masterclass on how childhood trauma shapes adult behaviour.
This is very apparent with Carmy and his siblings, Mikey and Sugar.
A massive source of their trauma is their mother, Donna Berzatto. Donna displays possible narcissistic and borderline tendencies.
She's manipulative, unpredictable, and emotionally volatile—and is ready to kick off at the drop of a hat. Her behaviours left deep imprints on her children, which tragically play out in their adult lives.
I will use this show to show how unstable childhood attachments can absolutely fry your ‘fight-or-flight’ system.
A quick primer: The “fight-or-flight” response is the body’s natural survival system. When we sense danger, our nervous system reacts instantly, ready to deal with the threat. There are three primary responses: fight, flight or freeze.
This is fantastic when you're facing a hungry lion, but if you are sitting in a calm classroom, this can cause massive problems.
You must recognise where these responses become problematic and what you can do about it.
Armed with this knowledge, we can understand student behaviour with empathy, support healthier interactions, and create trauma-informed classrooms.
So in this newsletter, I will take a deep dive into how the Fight/Flight/Freeze response manifests in your classrooms and how you can help these students.
Now, this goes without saying: there will be light spoilers for The Bear in this newsletter. If you haven’t watched the show, pause here, whack on your telly, and meet me back here when you are ready.
Let’s dive in!
#1 The Shut-Down Chef - The Flight Response
When we meet our hero Carmy, he’s a man who is reaching the peak of his powers. He’s the head chef at the best restaurant in the world before his brother's tragic suicide, and gives it all up to take care of his sandwich shop. The shop is in an absolute shambles, and he has the near-impossible task of turning it all around.
Carmy is well-liked by his peers and is known for his attention to detail and strong work ethic.
But as the series goes on, you realise that all is not well with young Carmy.
Outside of the kitchen, Carmy has virtually no friends and fears getting close to people.
He often zones out in stressful periods, including almost setting fire to his apartment and restaurant. Carmy has low self-esteem, which manifests in working to exhaustion and pushing everyone who can help him away.
Carmy responded to the family chaos by going inward—pouring himself into being the perfect chef and avoiding vulnerability. But he bottles up his feelings, which manifests as anxiety and restlessness.
His panic attacks and sleepless nights show how the “flight” mechanism takes its toll.
In one episode, after a stressful evening at the restaurant, Carmy finally cracks and has the mother of all breakdowns, becoming rageful, spiteful, and almost destroying all the relationships he desperately tries to maintain. When things got tense, Carmy would bail on his friends and family, and it made him feel lonelier than ever.
Like Carmy, students with flight tendencies may appear independent and aloof, but underneath, they’re managing anxiety and low self-worth. Any signs of vulnerability get shut down, and these students, when dysregulated, tend to be the 'runners' and will ignore all instructions while you chase them around the building.
A ‘flight’ student tends to avoid group work, never asks for help, or obsesses over control. They may constantly express distrust and are highly sensitive to any criticism, real or perceived. They make you constantly work to earn their trust, and they will push you away the instant they think you are 'abandoning' them.
With ‘flight’ students, offer gentle encouragement to collaborate, normalise mistakes, and create low-pressure opportunities for connection. Try to establish common ground with 'safe' subjects like sports or music. Once that rapport is established, they will start being more responsive.
#2 The Rageful Charmer - The Fight Response
Through flashbacks, we learn about Carmy’s older brother Mikey. Mikey was the original owner of The Beef and a prominent figure in their community.
Mikey was the heart and soul of the party. He was always joking, telling stories and was generous to a fault. Mikey was always the first to lend a helping hand to his staff and customers.
But Mikey had a darkside.
When things got rough, Mikey became aggressive and reckless – not the ideal recipe for running a successful restaurant. Mikey often picked physical fights with his family and associates, took on shady business deals and abused alcohol and drugs.
At his worst, Mikey was frightening to be around, a ticking time bomb who could explode any second.
But similar to Carmy, underneath his hostility was achingly low self-esteem. With several failed businesses to his name and The Beef constantly under threat of shutting down, he saw himself as a ‘loser’ and incapable of being loved. His “fight” response was less about aggression and more about masking deep hurt.
Like Mikey, ‘fight’ students lash out when corrected, challenge authority, or disrupt lessons when frustrated. These students may be labelled “defiant,” but they are often operating from survival mode, reacting to perceived threats.
With ‘fight’ students, staying calm, avoiding power struggles, and focusing on de-escalation is key. When their nervous system is lighting up like a Christmas tree, they are like a raging red bull, and you are the flag.
Offer choices, validate their feelings, and help them practice self-regulation skills. Remember, you must 'teach to their biology before their psychology.'
De-escalate, de-escalate, de-escalate is the name of the game here.
#3 The Mournful Caretaker - The Freeze/Fawn Response
Natalie ‘Sugar’ Berzatto is the sweetheart of the family. She's the middle sister who is responsible, dedicated, and always makes sure that everyone, from staff to family, is OK.
On the surface, you could argue that these are admirable traits. But this comes at a significant cost.
In times of stress, Sugar tends to ignore her own needs to appease the more volatile members of the family. She is often the ‘punching bag’ of her mother and incurs her wrath, making her wither into a terrified silence. She cannot draw boundaries and can’t assert herself, especially in the face of outrageous behaviour like the emotionally abusive tirades of her mum. She also became the emotional 'crutch' of Mikey, trying to soothe his fury in moments of tension.
This leaves her feeling tired, unappreciated and deeply resentful for all the sacrifices she has made for others without anything in return. She often feels lost and utterly miserable.
‘Freeze/fawn’ students may seem 'easy to get along with,' but their people-pleasing hides anxiety, fear of failure, and suppressed needs. They will over-help peers, never voice disagreement, and quietly shut down under pressure.
Sadly, ‘freeze/fawn’ students are more vulnerable to bullying because they cannot assert themselves – which can retraumatise them and leave them with a lifetime of pain and anguish.
‘Freeze/fawn’ students need teachers who can model patience, consistency, and encouragement. Celebrate small wins, remind them that academic setbacks are a normal part of the process, and continue to show up with empathy. You must teach them that boundaries are not scary but necessary and will help them get better quality relationships in the future.
The Bear isn’t just about food—it shows how childhood trauma can devastate people later in life, shaping their relationships, stress responses, and struggles.
But as educators, you can play a big role in turning this ship around.
When teachers understand how children react to stress—such as shutting down, fighting, or running away—they can respond with more empathy and create safer, more supportive classrooms.
Every child and adult has a story, and remembering this can change the way we teach, connect, and care for each other.
If you haven’t already, please go out and watch The Bear - it’s a fantastic bit of telly that is well worth your time.
That’s all for today.
The next TOTR newsletter will come out on Thursday 18th September 2025.
See you then.
Karl
